Funny Stuff, Thoughts & What Not

What She’s Having
The TV pilot I wrote/produced which was selected to the NY TV Festival and the Big Apple Film Festival placed second in an online festival called Pilot Lite. We were the highest rated but got the second highest number of views (I blame you).
Below is the trailer. Watch it.

A new front opens in the late night wars....

CELEBRITY NEWS:

President Obama is back from his vacation. Uh oh.

Seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens is being arraigned on a six-count indictment alleging he lied to Congress when he testified he never used steroids or human growth hormone. Lying to Congress is a crime. Lying in Congress is totally fine. Actually it's encouraged.

So you know Paris Hilton was arrested in Vegas for possession of cocaine. But did you know that cops found the coke when she opened her purse to get lip balm and a little bag of white powder fell out? You know she was high because you've got to be thinking, "The cops are pulling me over because they smelled pot, I've got coke in my purse and, gee, my lips are dry. Mmm. That is a pressing issue."

As part of a reality TV show, Sarah Palin's former-future-son-in-law, Levi Johnston, is planning to run for city council or mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Come on. The people of Wasilla aren't going to vote for somebody who's that big an idiot. Again.

People have been criticizing Michele Obama for taking her little daughter on a super-deluxe tour of Spain while many Americans are out of work. I have to agree she made a poor choice - she should have gone without the kid!

In the war crimes trial of former Liberian president Charles Taylor, Naomi Campbell testified she didn't get a huge diamond as a gift from him and Mia Farrow testified Naomi did. I'm with Naomi. There's no way she got a huge diamond... and didn't throw it at the maid.

16-year-old pop star Justin Bieber is writing a memoir, due in stores in October. It'll be called, "I Haven't Done Anything and Have Nothing Important to Say but I'm Famous so I Got a Book Deal."

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" was arrested for public intoxication. That's a crime? That's their show!

IN OTHER NEWS:

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says the German central bank should dismiss a board member for making remarks deemed anti-Muslim and anti-Jewish. Good for her. You wouldn't want Germany to be thought of as racist.

Unbeknownst to their parents, three Florida children bought airplane tickets on Southwest Airlines with baby-sitting money and flew to Nashville, Tennessee. People have been pretty outraged about how this could happen but my only question is, why can't my kids show this kind of initiative?

The head of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration says China is improving its food safety - which means most of the food you get from China now, is probably at least partly food.

An archeological dig in Israel has turned up a rare gold coin dating back more than 2200 years. It is believed to have been part of a gift given at Larry King's bar mitzvah.

Buffalo police stopped a guy for running a stop sign and they found a live cat in a cage in his trunk, which the driver said he was going to cook, covered in oil, crushed red peppers and chili peppers. That is disgusting!! You're supposed to use sweet peppers for cat. Chili peppers are for dog.

A new book says that, contrary to popular belief that brain cells die and we become forgetful as we age, new brain cells actually continue to form and the adult brain improves, peaking as late as in the 60s. A new book says that, contrary to popular belief that brain cells die and we become forgetful as we age, new brain cells actually continue to form and the adult brain improves, peaking as late as in the 60s.

The classic children's book, "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day," is being turned into a movie to be called, "Sarit's Life."

REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
By Sarit Catz

Now, I’m not an idiot. I know that “Desperate Housewives” is a monster hit TV show, beloved by millions, that nearly single-handedly saved Disney and ABC and certainly the careers of several attractive nearly-washed-up actresses, but… is that any excuse for perpetrating a destructive and harmful myth on the American people?

I’m referring, of course, to the title, “Desperate Housewives.” Now, some claim that housewives are not in fact desperate and that is the destructive and harmful myth. Not me. We ARE desperate. That’s true. The myth is that the women on “Desperate Housewives” are desperate housewives. In fact, they’re not desperate enough. Actually they’re not anything like real housewives. And they’re certainly not REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

For example:

1. “Desperate Housewives” want the plumber to pull down his pants. REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES want the plumber to pull UP his pants. Hairy crack just isn’t that attractive. And would it kill the bastard to show up on time, charge what he said he was going to charge, and actually fix the damn thing?

2. “Desperate Housewives” have their husband locked in the basement. REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES want to lock themselves in the basement. Or the attic, a storage room, the crawl space – anyplace the kids can’t find us.

3. “Desperate Housewives” mow the lawn in evening gowns. REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES haven’t worn an evening gown since the 90’s. When we dress up, it’s for Halloween. Otherwise it’s sweatpants and a ponytail – which is good since we can’t fit into our evening gowns anymore.

4. “Desperate Housewives” take their kids’ Ritalin. REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES have our own stash of Xanax, Prozac, Valium, Ativan, Buprenex, Oxycontin, Soma, Hydroxyzine, Ultram, Vicodin, Darvon, Tylenol with Codeine, Percodan, Zoloft, and, of course, several bottles of wine plus the fixings for Cosmos. Alright, I know a little too much about this, don’t I?

5. “Desperate Housewives” burn their neighbor’s house down. REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES would burn our own house down if it meant we didn’t have to clean it. Who wouldn’t want to make a giant pile out of all the toys, shoes, laundry, craft supplies, dirty dishes and assorted crap that’s lying all over the house, douse the whole thing in lighter fluid and drop a match on that baby? Just thinking about it gives me chills.

6. “Desperate Housewives” have unfortunate mothers-in-law who get hit by a car. REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES are driving.

7. “Desperate Housewives” are in a relationship with the pharmacist. REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES would like the guy to fill the freaking prescription within the century. Do you know what it’s like to have a toddler with 102 fever hanging, wheezing and drooling on you while you wait at CVS (which stands for Consumer Victimization Store)? Does the seventh circle of hell ring a bell?

8. “Desperate Housewives” have kids that are nuts, have ADD and are complete brats and everyone’s sympathetic. REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES have kids that are nuts, have ADD and are complete brats and that’s normal. Deal with it yourself, okay? We’ve got our own crappy kids.

9. “Desperate Housewives” have affairs with teenaged boys and may or may not be pregnant by them. REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES don’t find young boys attractive. We leave that to creepy teachers like Mary Kay Letourneau. And we’d hang ourselves in the laundry room if we found out we were pregnant again.

10. “Desperate Housewives” worry that nude photos of them are about to be posted on the internet. REAL DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES don’t allow nude photos of ourselves to be taken in the first place. Who am I? Pam Anderson? I get scared when I catch sight of myself getting out of the shower. Do you think I’m going to commit something like that to film?

THE MAIN STREET JOURNAL'S NINE QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE GETTING MARRIED
by Sarit Catz

In the Wall Street Journal (March 27, 2006), Jeff Opdyke listed the nine questions partners should ask each other before getting married and they all had to do with finances.

Who cares about that crap? Obviously, since it's the Wall Street Journal, all the questions are about money and, I'll admit, money is important in making a marriage work. But there are a lot of other elements at play.

If another paper, say the Main Street Journal, ran this article, they would probably include a different list of questions - I think better questions - partners should ask each other before getting married. In fact, these are the nine questions I wish I'd asked my husband before we got married:

1. How much hair does your father have on his back?
• Obviously I had already seen my then-fiancé's back but I had no idea that a little patch of hair here and there would combine to form a single giant shag rug all over his butt, back, and up and out of his collar.
• Perhaps I would have been tipped off if I had known that his father's nickname was "Fur."

2. How loud is your father's snoring?
• Again, I already knew my then-fiancé snored a bit (don't tell my parents). But, I found the quiet, rhythmic sound reassuring and even cute. Little did I know it would develop into the ground-shaking, ear-splitting scourge of my nights.
• It would have been helpful to know that his father snored like a grizzly and sent both his mother and the dog running from the room on many occasions.

3. How much hair did your grandfathers have on their heads?
• Is it God's sick joke that at the same time hair starts growing out of a man's nose, ears and butt-crack, it stops growing out of his scalp?

4. Is it physically possible for you to take a dump without reading the newspaper?
• I'm thinking without the reading materials, the bathroom time would be cut at least in half. I mean, forty-five minutes is a little too long to invest in a poop.

5. What exactly is lactose intolerance and what are the ramifications thereof for the innocent bystander?
• Have you ever smelled a pile of tires burning in a garbage dump? That's what I wish for after my husband has an ice cream.

6. Can you go through a full day without hocking?
• My husband can hock a loogie pretty much at will. And he will hock them frequently. One of our neighbors was so disgusted by his habit of hocking in our driveway every morning before he leaves for work that she actually sold her house and moved away. I miss you, Fran. Please call.

7. Do you have a fascination with nature shows?
• Apparently, the feeding habits of the two-toed sloth are so gripping that it becomes physically impossible to tear oneself away for the time it takes to discuss, say, the fact that the house is on fire.
• The Betty Ford clinic is investigating the possibility of opening up a program for this addiction. In the meantime, just say no to the National Geographic Channel.

8. Do you have a physical disability or handicap that will make it impossible for you to pack lunch for an elementary school student?
• I don't remember taking a course in college on PB&J. In fact, I'm pretty sure I received no formal training in brown-bagging whatsoever. And yet, I've managed to master this difficult skill set.
• Researchers on the Human Genome Project are trying to isolate a gene on the Y-chromosome that makes lunch-packing simply impossible for men to master (of course, most of the researchers are men looking for an excuse).

9. Will you always stay as kind, funny, generous, and loving as you are before the wedding?
• Luckily for me, my husband has. And, notwithstanding what I've learned would be the answers to the other eight questions, I think I'll keep him.
• After all, this is the only question that really counts, isn't it?

THE ART OF PARENTING
By Sarit Catz

You often hear artists say that their art works are their children. You rarely hear parents say their children are their art. So I'll say it. My children are my art.

But you should know that I lie a lot. I'm a mom. I have to lie. "That banging on the electronic keyboard you're doing is really wonderful." "I'd love it if you'd do my hair." "Broccoli is so much yummier than Doritos." So when I say that my children are my art, I could very well be lying. Now let's figure out if it's true. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of art is, "the conscious use of skill and creative imagination especially in the production of aesthetic objects." Well?

Daily, I have to consciously use skill in parenting. Fixing it so I lose my 783rd game of Candyland in a row takes quite a bit of card rearranging, palming and unobtrusive backwards-piece-moving. Top that off with an Oscar-worthy simulation of surprise at my loss and good-natured disappointment and you're talking significant skill.

And I must also humbly point to my dexterity with tape, safety pins and that lifesaver the glue gun. There is not a toy on earth that I can't fix in under four minutes using whatever's in the kitchen junk drawer. (Four minutes is the maximum length of time I can tolerate the sound of my kids' screaming. Do you know how long four minutes really is? Anyway,) I fixed a mechanical basketball game with a paperclip and some duct tape. I fixed a toy car with a straightened out staple. I even fixed a broken crayon with a glob of Play-Doh. The doll hospital has nothing on me. Move over Santa's elves. I think it's safe to say I've got the "conscious use of skill" thing covered.

As for creative imagination, I think I'm good there too. When the chicken nuggets and grilled cheese sandwich inexplicably take an eternity to arrive at our table at Friday's even though we are the only people in the restaurant because I tried to be considerate of other potential diners by arriving for dinner at 4:37, you better believe it takes creative imagination to distract two pre-schoolers with Sweet 'N Low packets and salt.

Creative imagination also most definitely comes into play when planning activities for that prison term known as school vacation. We've usually exhausted the local parks, museums and age-appropriate movies by Tuesday. It takes real creativity to come up with the activity of sorting the laundry by color and then making a dirty-clothes rainbow on the basement floor. That ate up a good hour, and was darned educational, by the way. And I'm still patting myself on the back for inventing the Chase the Squirrel Around the Backyard game which not only amuses but also tires out the kids ensuring a semi-decent night's sleep for mom. "Creative imagination?" Check.

But are my kids aesthetic objects? There is no sight more beautiful than the sight of one's own children sleeping peacefully in their beds. The flawless skin touched gently with the palest pink blush. The downy hair curled back from ears as soft and round as apricots. Even the breath that could benefit from improved tooth-brushing skills smells sweet as hyacinths to the parent of a sleeping child who bends down low to graze the darling little creature with the day's last kiss. The best one. One not meant to make a boo-boo better, or stop a tantrum. A purely selfish kiss stolen in the night. And when I turn back for the day's final glimpse of my children, illuminated by the glow of the nightlight, there can be no doubt that my kids are my art, that Boticelli never painted an angel more angelic nor Michelangelo a cherub more cherubic. It probably doesn't hurt that the kids are quiet for a change.

CONSTRUCTION INSTRUCTIONS
By Sarit Catz

I’ve done it, you’ve done it. We’ve all seen furnishings in catalogues, on the internet, and especially at IKEA, that look great. THEN YOU BUY IT. What you actually get is a box that’s 7 feet long, 4 feet wide and 5 inches high filled with 30 pre-finished pieces and a bag of loose hardware. Plus some “instructions” with no actual usable instruction; either they’re in a foreign language, broken English or the international language of undecipherable pictures.

Have no fear. Your usable instructions are below. I promise that you can assemble a shelving unit. Trust me. I’ve been there, I’ve done it. It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3.... 4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15.

Assembly Advice:

1. Have a glass of wine. A can-do attitude is the key to any successful project. So, before you even open the box, it’s imperative to put yourself in the right frame of mind with a nice calming chianti, merlot or pinot grigio.

2. Lay out your own tools. Even though the store/catalogue/website/box clearly states that everything you need is included, invariably it’s not. So have your own set of screwdrivers, pliers, wrenches, etc. handy. Often super useful is an electric drill with an allen wrench bit. (Why do they have to use allen screws? Why can’t they use regular screws? And you know that annoying little L-shaped allen wrench that comes in the box is going to bend, break, or at least cripple your hand.)

3. Empty the box. Open the box and take EVERYTHING out. Inevitably, that one thing you accidentally left inside will be the single most important piece of the item but you won’t realize it’s missing until you’ve worked on the damn thing for about three hours.

4. Read the instructions. That’s assuming there are any actual words on them. What makes the geniuses putting these packages together think a couple of letters and a few arrows are going to tell us everything we need to know?

5. Ask a pre-schooler to help you. A couple of letters and few arrows are right up their alley. Besides, spending a couple of minutes with a small child is going to annoy you so much that assembling this piece of junk is going to seem relaxing. Send the kid away now.

6. Make sure you have all the parts. Check the actual contents of the box against the list/pictures. There’s no point is getting almost all the way through before realizing you don’t have the back/bottom/side.

7. Take a deep breath. Remember how great the thing looked in the store/catalog/website. Remember that you have all the tools, pieces and skill you need to successfully complete this project. Remember that there’s more wine in that bottle.

8. Put “Piece A” up against “Piece B” and attach with one of the “Screw 1”s. According to the ancient Chinese proverb, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” (Or packing the car. One or the other.)

9. Realize it’s not as bad as you feared. Actually, it is, but the wine is starting to kick in. No, seriously, it’s not so hard. If all the other yutzes who bought this hunk of trash could manage to put it together, you sure can.

10. Keep going. According to another Chinese proverb, “Persistence can grind an iron beam down into a needle.” Those Chinese know stuff, don’t they? They must get a ton of furniture at IKEA!

11. Inspect your work. See how it’s coming together? You’re doing a great job. You’ve got most of the pieces put together and you still have enough of those screws… Where are those screws? What did you do with those screws?!! Oh, they’re under the instructions. Okay.

12. Finish up. This is it. You’re almost done. Just one more piece… Kind of like feeding a kid, isn’t it?

13. Admire your handywork. You’re done! Yay for you! Take a step back. Pour yourself a celebratory glass of that wine. Bask in the glow of your accomplishment. Is it a little crooked? No. It’s fine. You’re just drunk. Or it is crooked and you don’t care because you’re drunk. Six of one…

14. Call someone to help you move your project. After all, you’re not furnishing the basement. You have to get it to the bedroom/living room/den. What? It doesn’t fit up the stairs/through the door?!! Crap! This stupid pile of schlocky garbage!

15. Disassemble and begin again. Tomorrow. Or the next day – after you’re over your hangover.